I can’t write much these days as for some reason I am experiencing limits and limitations on my ability to be in front of my computer and writing. I try to think of what to write but the words all seem to flow from my brain so slowly and only as a result of great effort unlike in times past where the words and thoughts seemed to flow effortlessly and easily. And then there is the occasional mini seizure like episodes that happens which afterwards causes me to feel drained and tired. This is not what I want but it is what it is and I know it is what God wants for me right now because He being the Sovereign Lord and Mighty God and MY God, He can make whatsoever He wants to happen.
I read the Word of God every day.
I listen to spiritual music – hymns and psalms.
I take my medications – all of them as directed by my doctor who is just the greatest; (Lithium – for treatment of my Bi-Polar Condition, Klonopin – to help control my mild seizures, Remeron – for Depression, Simvastatin -for high cholesterol, Prozac – For Depression, Temazepam – for my unexplained yet bothersome Insomnia, and an enteric coated Aspirin). And I rest whenever I need to. (Something I am not accustomed to doing or enjoying). I am all about being busy and doing things.
And so here I am. Stuck as it were somewhere in the middle of my mind and thoughts, longing for the freedom of expression again but only sensing a profound intracranial pressure in my head that grows worse with the more thinking I do and the more time I spend on the computer or telephone. And if I am stubborn and do not listen to my brain and body then I experience a dull pain along with the pressure that is so very uncomfortable at times it just makes me want to die. And no I am not suicidal. Far be it for me that I would ever even seriously contemplate or entertain such a thought and do something so wicked and selfish as to take my own life. It is just that the physical experience overwhelms me sometimes and crazy thoughts (that seem to come from out of nowhere) just enter and fill my mind. But when that happens I am reminded ”God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control (of a sound mind).” (II Timothy 1:7 ESV and KJV). And so I persevere…keeping on keeping on.
And this past week my youngest son who like me has a high threshold and tolerance for pain suffered a severe sinus infection that caused him to experience excrusicating pain and pressure in his head. It sent him to the ER room 3 different times – the first time being by ambulance because he was in such pain. His pain was so severe that he would cry in agony and that is not my son. But it was not him. It was the effect of how he was feeling. And we have talked about it and he shared with me how he now understands a little bit as to why I feel the way I do sometimes and just wish the pressure and discomfort would end. He agreed…it just makes you want to die. BUT WE CHOOSE GOD WAY AND WE CHOOSE LIFE!
I do not feel sorry for myself and I do not seek pity. So, don’t feel sorry for me please for among men I am most truly blessed. This is the season of my life that I have come to realize I must not seek the blessings but rather seek the blessor – that is seek after God, (“As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God.” Psalm 42:1 ESV). I must no longer look for quick fixes to life’s problems or issues but rather look to the one from whom all blessings flow, the fountain head of my life and my blessings and be delighted and contented in Him…and I truly am. I turn all that I am, think and feel over to God for his gracious response and loving and abundant provision.
So I rejoice! In Christ my Lord I rejoice. I may not be able to do much as I used to in my life but God’s Word reminds me that it does not matter. The chief end of man and main purpose of life is to love God will all my heart, soul mind and strength and to love my neighbor as myself. And it is to worship God and to love and serve him forever. Something I am most happy and contented in doing.
So pray for me as I pray for those of you the Lord has brought and brings into my life. Our God not only hears our prayers but also answers them in his own good time and according to that which is his good and perfect will.
So, from time to time you will see me online – posting a book or CD review here, a tweet there, or a post to my blog but just not as frequently as in the past…at least for now.
So God bless. May your week be filled with the love of God and our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, the love of family and friends, good health and abundant success in all that you do.
As for me, I’m just a pilgrim sojourning here on my way to Heaven! Come quickly Lord Jesus!
Love you all!